


The shadow in ventilation

by AydeePraysForDahmer



Series: Records from Finalizer [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, F/M, Hacker!Reader, Hux is Not Nice, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Maybe - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Phasma likes you, Reader hates everything, Reader is scared but still badass, Reader is technician and hacker, Sexual Tension, Violence against women, life is not fair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 07:22:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16806079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AydeePraysForDahmer/pseuds/AydeePraysForDahmer
Summary: (Another part to ,,Different than others" story)I said to myself I am not afraid of anything but is it truth?Am I gullible and foolish when I try to protect myself and others from...them?Is this just another story about a bad guy who started to like a girl like me?I am not so naive...





	The shadow in ventilation

The jaw began to hurt me from the long clamping of the flashlight between my teeth. I can remember series of numerical combinations, equations, definitions, algorithms, but I cant remember that I should take a headlamp.

  
All the pipes, turbines, and cables were so hot that I had to take off the top of my uniform, let it fall from the waist down and stay there only in an undershirt.  
For more than twenty minutes, I have been reporting a generator that goes into the training room. It was nothing strange. Such a ship needs any repairs at any moment, but I also thought it must have been due to me and my almost all-night visits in the training room. Somewhere I tried to get tired and get all the rage on the whole galaxy and on myself. Not all the bruises were from the gym.

  
I connected the last cable and turned it on. There was a faint sound as the current passed through the wires. The light shone green and it looked promising. A few seconds later, a message from Liz came to me on the datapad:

  
_,,ts running! you're the best!"_

  
Thanks. At least you believe in me.

I took my flashlight out of my mouth and moaned because of the pain. I massaged my jaw while folding the tools into the bag and slowly drawing it from the narrow tunnel to the light that went down the corridor. I never understood why they did it so difficult. I had to go to the vent in the tunnel like a ventilation shaft but it was a good place to hide. No one except technicians crawled up here.  
Not even generals ...

I dropped my bag through the opening and then climbed out. There was a bigger cold in the corridor, so it was nice to feel cold for a moment. I might as well take off an undershirt if I didnt find out someone standing behind me.

  
,,Lieutenant Mitaka! You cant leave me for a minute, can you? "I smiled grimly, watching him swallow hard as he looked at me from head to toe.  
,,Private (L/N). You were not on the bridge again, "he snapped and took a sharp breath.  
,,I'm a technician, sir. Not secretary. Skirt doesnt suit me. "I said, this time without a smile, as always, I thought quite seriously.  
,,Enough! I'm not going to listen to this! I should now send you to General Hux! "

  
I wanted to answer him, but when he mentioned that name, the hot sweat started to freeze my body. I knew I shouldnt let go of it. I have to stay calm and not make trouble.  
,,But I hear they have some problems in hangar, so it would be more reasonable to go there, dont you think?"

  
For some time now, I suspect that Mitaka knows something. That the flash in his eyes, every time he mentions Hux, means something. Should I be afraid of that? Does he intend to use it? Suddenly I didnt know how far I can go. If he wanted to sink me, he probably would do that earlier. Either he's really stupid or he's a bigger sadist than I thought.

  
,,So you better go. And adjust yourself! "  
For a moment I watched him disappear through the corridor and began to put on the top of my uniform. The most confidential information about Lieutenants has Hux himself. I could break in there and try to look if anything on Mitaka was there. But even if he had no antivirus and no barriers, even if he had an office unlocked and publicly accessible to everyone on this ship, I wouldnt do it.

Why? Because it was Hux ... And I dont have the bruises just out of the gym.

* * *

_Be a good girl. No problems._

  
As soon as I'm out of the bridge and in the part of the ship where the lieutenants dont go so often, no one can stop me. Of course, I have to keep watch and Captain Phasma doesnt allow me to do whatever I want, but at least I'm not scared. In the hangar and the control room (my small saferoom), I felt at home. The bridge was a place I'd rather have avoided. And that's exactly what I'm doing, and I know I shouldnt, because they'll send me back to the psychiatrists again, and they'll either force me to take stronger pills, or they'll lock me up in solitary confinement until I´ll keep calm again. It has happened several times. It wouldnt hurt me. I was calm, but I didnt have the freedom.

  
_What the fuck am I talking about freedom? Do I have any? Did anything else save my own life? Maybe at least it was worth to fight for it._

  
Mitaka was right.

A couple of droids were short-circuited, and one TIE Fighter nearly blew up. I had to take the command, because most of the technicians had a bout of incompetence. I had the feeling that everyone stopped cared and let me to do the work.

 _Anger ... Fear ..._ It has accumulated in me, but if I do something worse than small offenses such as poorly dressed uniform or making fun of Lieutenant Mitaka, it might be worse than pills and solitude.

  
It took me half a day and night. A couple of droids were on the scrap, a few of them put together, and TIE Fighter was like a new one.  
I was so tired that another pile of letters and numbers would make me mad. There was only one thing that could let me exhaused for a few days, but from the thought about it I wanted to... cry.

  
I could go for sleeping pills. I think they'd love to give it to me. Maybe they would give me a bigger dose to get rid of me forever, but I refused them in principle. There were other things to suppress me. Perhaps it would have other side effects. I dont want to take anything that would make First Order to use me.  
Algorithms and numbers didnt take into account, so I went to the training room where I re-launched the lights.

  
It was late. Seriously late. Seeing someone in the corridors was virtually impossible, except for the stormtroopers who had patrols.  
Sometimes I envied them for their helmets. Nobody ever knows who is behind them. I would be hiding from everyone. But I would have been no one. I dont know if I could pass through it.

  
_I am acting like if am anything right now... Do not be naive._

The lights worked exactly as they had to. The thoughts about it faded away when I saw a sobbing figure on the floor in the middle. 

  
,,Joy?"  
I reached for her and took her around her shoulders. She was shivering, her hair was tangled and the uniform was ... torn.

  
,,Joy, what happened? Who did this to you? Who of those fuckers ?! "I urged, pulling out a towel of the bag that I had with me, putting it around her shoulders.  
,,Him again ... the one who attacked me a few months ago in the corridor ... sorry ... I couldnt do anything ..." she cried and fell into my arms.  
I swallowed my own sobs.

  
I hated them. I hated Hux. I hated Mitaka. I hated the entire galaxy. I hated everyone. All those who abused the weaker ones.

,,Its not your fault ..." I whispered and stroked her hair.

We sat there for a long time.  
Then I helped her get up and take her to her room. Should I report to Captain Phasma? She could, but we havent done either of us. The result would be the same as ever.  
They would condemned us that we are lying and the lieutenant would come out with a clean shield.  
I didnt come back to my room. Almost into the morning, I walked through the Finalizer corridors and thought. I walked one corridor a few times until the stormtrooper, what had a patrol, came to me.   
He wondered if I was all right and he was horrified when he saw tears rolling over my cheeks. But it wasnt tears of sadness. I was angry. So much angry that I cried.  
I said it was okay and I left. He was so good he walked with me, but then he went back to his place.

  
My small room stayed exactly the way I left it. I took out a pack of cigarettes and took one. Then another. At the fifth I started to shiver and eventually the cigarette burned untouched.  
It was six o'clock in the morning and I had to go to the hangar to report. After a few hours sitting on the floor, I screamed and fisted at the walls. Then I settled, to my taste too much, an uniform and climbed out of darkness more darker than the galaxy around.

* * *

Joy hasnt shown up.  
I hoped she will come, but she wasnt there. I learned from a few technicians that she ended up in a medbay, and I was finally happy about it. She need to rest. She will have peace of mind for a while.  
Captain Phasma stared at me suspiciously. She told me to report to her after noon. It was not a good sign, but it will be the same after all. She's afraid there's something wrong with me, and I'm going to do some bullshit again. She asked me about my bruises all over my body. I justified it by hitting everything that came to my hand, and I was telling the truth, but she told me that the bruises around my collarbone, neck, chest and wrists couldnt really come up in this way, and that I just will come over he even if she would pull me there by herself. She thinks she will eliminate it, but it will be too late. She wont stop it. Me neither.

_8AM_

  
If I ever enjoyed going to the bridge, that moment just came. I didnt need a pouch with a pile of tools. I got a wrench. I just needed anything. I would just have a ballpoint for example, but I wanted the wrench. Like some stupid symbol of what we're down here.

  
I didnt realize it. I didnt think at that moment asking myself if it was worth it. Professional opinion? I was crazy. I'm a freak. I'm a psychopath. I'm exactly what everyone else was talking about on this fucking ship. I'm just as weak as I never wanted to be.

  
_And that's all because of Hux..._

  
I holded the wrench in my hand so firmly that my violet-blue knuckles turned white. I wasnt sleeping for almost two days, and so I looked like that, but still my step was clear and firm. I havent stopped. I dont know if anyone was talking to me. I dont know if they were looking at me. I didnt care.

  
Mitaka was just walking to the bridge when he saw me. I was right here at time. That was more than suspicious to him.

  
But I wouldnt go here if I didnt find out if HE was here too just today, exactly at this time. If he was somewhere else on the ship, I would go for him. I could wait and do it at night or somewhere where no one would be, but I want to make a scary case. If someone is standing in my way, he will end exactly like that.

  
The big door opened and I walked in. There werent many people here. And Hux? I couldnt see it. But I didnt care. My goal was right in front of me. The same guy who beat me a few months ago in a hangar. The same guy who raped Joy.

  
He turned to me. A grin appeared on his face, clearly making it clear that it was him. The smile which said: I did it. I hurt your only friend and what are you going to do about it now? You cant do anything.  
And that's why he was wrong.  
The distance between the two of us was over in a few seconds. But before he realized what was going on, it was too late.

  
I raised my arm up and hit him with the wrench in his jaw. All I heard was the loud crunch of the jawbone. He fell to the ground and spat out several teeth besides the blood. He raised a frightened look to me. I couldnt bear the expression. I couldnt bear to look at that nasty face. I punched him again and this time into his temple. Finally, I kicked him so that he would fall on his back and his crippled face was clearly visible.

  
I was breathing heavily and dropped the bloody wrench to the ground. The tingling was so loud that it was a moment of my momentary bout. I looked around. No one spoke. No one called the security guard. Even Mitaka retreated. And finally I saw Hux in the front.  
Just looking at me with that neutral expression. And then the faint smile followed. That one which frightened me the most. All the while I was wondering if I really didnt make a mistake.  
But then the thoughts disappeared again. I turned and walked away. Without words. And they all stepped away from my way. They all waited for orders from the General, who were just giving their little toy admiration.  
A ship full of perfectly trained soldiers with state-of-the-art weapons and technologies, yet they are afraid of a little girl.

  
But it was a reward for me.  
This was what he did to me in the hangar. This was for Joy.  
This was for Hux ...

_I need help._

* * *

I just walked to the bridge and almost slaughtered the lieutenant to death. I was sitting in the same TIE Fighter, where I was hiding a couple of months ago and hysterically laughing at the irony and crying for it.

  
_Joy is dead._

  
I went back and went straight to the medbay to tell her I had avenged her, but when I took her hand it was cold.

  
_Joy is dead._

  
Decrease traces. Someone didnt like Joy going to the medbay and trying to silence her. Or it was because of me.

  
_Joy is dead because of me._

  
I waited when it came. I waited for a long time and maybe even hoped they would just take the blasters and shoot me in pieces. Or they will grab me and they will immediately pull me into the cell and then execute or send to reconditioning because they just need me. But that didnt happen.

  
Phasma was the first one I saw. She calmly told me to go out and I obeyed. I didnt defend myself. Despite her glossy helmet, I could see that she could finally understand me. The two of us are actually the same and yet different.  
She told me she has to take me to General. I couldnt protest. I wasnt sure, but I probably felt she had put a heavy armed hand on my shoulder.  
I didnt even see if anyone was looking at me now. I still havent cared. Phasma led me through the corridors to Hux's office, and I felt my hands shaking and my tears coming. But these were not of sadness or of rage. These were because of fear ...

* * *

_Be a good girl. No problems._

  
I can break these two things in just one morning. The mantra that he imbues in my head every time I'm here. This is probably proof that he might break me, but he cant make me a obedient girl.

  
,,Why are you trying to save others if you cant save yourself?"

  
This sentence nearly made me cry. It sounded so true so it was desperate. What am I playing here? A hero? A defender of the weaker?

  
I sat on a small black leather couch that stood almost in the middle of Hux's office as he stood leaning against the table across from me. He stood there in his long coat and gloves, his red hair crammed back. All the while I felt him staring at me, and I havent even looked at him directly, and instead watched his reflection on the glistening floor.

  
,,You wont stop me wondering for a second. As soon as I do something I think I'll break you, you just revolt. Look where has it gotten you. "

  
And that's how it always went. He spoke and I was silent. Rarely, I said something. Just when he ordered to me. Mostly when he took me violently right on the desk he was leaning on.

  
,,What you have done today is that you have signed a clear judgment that you should be excluded from the First Order and thus utterly wiped out."

  
He took off his heavy coat and laid it slowly on the table. With each step he was closer and closer to me.

  
,,But I wont do it. Just not ... And you know why? "

  
He stood behind me and laid his bare hands on my shoulders. He forced me to sit straight, while his thumbs gently circled on my neck.

  
,,Because I like it. I like it on you. You are strong, but so scared. You think what morality you have and how you try to prove that you are better, but in reality you are worse than everyone here. You're the dark part. Closed in a dark room. You are a shadow that crashes the systems, cables and data of this ship. You are nothing for them. A postable article, but I see you differently. "

  
All these words he whispered to me softly in my ear. He slowly unbuttoned my uniform, and at that moment, I didnt have an undershirt.

  
,,I'll disappoint you, but he survived it. But the way you hit him...It was so fascinating. "

Both of his gloves end up on my lap. The fingers of one of his hands first touched my neck gently, and then he squeezed i that it made me moan. The warmth of his breath warmed me and he put his other hand under my uniform on my chest.

  
,,But I cant just leave it. You made a deceptive case from him and now I will do the same with you. Poor frail, broken soul. So lonely ... "

  
He spoke every time his lips detached from my neck for a moment. One of his hands was still massaging my chest.

  
,,You're scared of me, and yet you're still trying to get my attention. You dont know it, but you do it. You need me. You call me. So now I'm here ... "

  
I swallowed and closed my eyes. I poured a few more tears out of my eyes.

  
Any woman would like it. Isnt that honor? General Hux is interested in me. This wnt happen to anyone so easily. Anyway, she would have succumbed. She would listen his sweet words, moaning like a whore and liking anything he would done to her.

  
But all this is wrong! It's naivety. No one is unique. At the end, the women will find out that they were just toys that served purpose, and then they were discarded.  
I hate this system. I hate that dreamlike love of romantic stories, where the greatest fucker has eyes and heart only for one girl and he will change for her.

People dont change. They are always the same fuckers who we are only good for one thing...

  
,,You will never talk to others. No one knows who you are. I dont have to hear your voice to know how you feel because I know that. I know everything about you... "

  
So why do I hear something in this voice ... more urgent? Why dont I ever see his face? Why do I feel I know more about him than anyone on this ship?  
Why do I feel that when he holds me so tightly, as if he fear I would disapear, I dont feel his sweat but tears?

* * *

  
"You can talk to me, Y/N. I know you are full of anger, but you dont help yourself or others unless you try to open the others at least. "

  
This bullshit was designed by Captain Phasma. Temporary inability to work and doctor visits. After a long time, I am angry at her.  
I've been here for several days and nothing has changed. Still sitting without moving behind the desk, looking at the opposite wall without talking. They tried to give me more pills, but every time I took them, I spat them.

  
The doctor knocked his fingers on the table and I saw how he was trying to avoid impatience.

  
,,I have heard that the only person you really talk to is General Hux. But he refused to give me any statement. I shouldnt ask, but ... why him? What do you see in him that you want to trust him?"

  
_What do I see in him?_

  
_What does he see in me?_

  
_Strange circle..._

  
But this sounded more like questioning authority. I slowly turned to him and stared at him with a hateful glance. He swallowed and nervously licked his dry lips.

  
,,You can go." He stuttered.

  
I fled as quickly as I could and ran to the control room where I locked and havent gone out of the next two days.

  
On the third day I started to be bored. I went out and shivered like a cockroach of artificial light in the corridors.

  
"Private L/N."

  
With a freshly lit cigarette in my mouth, I slowly turned to Lieutenant Mitaka. I was beginning to regret being out of the room.

  
"Are you... alright?"

  
I smoked and the cigarette nearly dropped from my mouth. Maybe they found a way to get drugs into me. This seemed more like a hallucination. I had to ask Mitaka to repeat the question, but his expression and eyes clearly told me that the sentence he had said was serious.

  
,,It was enough. Too much, I have to admit. I just wanted to know if ... it's better for you. "

  
For the first couple of days I laughed again.  
They started to feel sorry for me. Even Mitaka. 

How miserable I am? 

* * *

I received a message.

  
There was a short circuit in the line and the stream in offices dropped. The report was signed by Captain Phasma. I've read it several times, but only to laugh again and again about the joke, how stupid they really have to be.

  
Captain Phasma never sent me this kind of informations. Besides, I was still incapacitated.

  
And yet I got up and went. There was no need to take anything. There was no need to consider uniforms or behaviors. I flashed and walked slowly down the corridor like a soulless body to meet my fate.  
No one can be trusted anymore. My own lineage betrayed me. And just because I defended myself ...

  
I went exactly where the fuses had to be. Exactly where I reported it a few weeks ago, to a small ventilation, a stupor designed for technicians like me, to make it even harder for us, but a great hideout from the outside world. A place in the dark, where a cockroach like me belongs.

  
No one anywhere.

  
I smoked, let the smoke go to my lungs, then slowly let it flow out of my mouth. Behind me I heard the steps. Confident men, depending on how heavy the footsteps were. They are probably three.

  
I turned to face them. Named officers who either defended that bastard I sent to medbay or just ordered them. You know the grin. It was clear to them that I couldnt win. They were three and I alone. Alone in the ship. Lonely girl in the whole galaxy. Defenseless little girl in trouble. It's strange that Hux never looked at me like that. Although that face should have the same meaning, it was different. So much different ...

  
,,Fun is over, dove. It is time to show you who is the boss here, "one of them said.  
,,Like you?" I asked innocently.  
,,For now, yeah."

,,Well then, your boss is a naive son of a bitch."

  
The three laughed, but I didnt.  
They were taller than me and stronger. The blonde on my left stretched to me and grabbed my shoulder. Before all of that happened, I asked myself if I wanted to really pack it here and now.

  
_Fuck off._  
_I dont belong to you._

  
Just as the nasty paw fell on me, I pressed a still burning cigarette on it. He glanced at me with a startled look. Then he flipped and screamed. The paw let go of me, and I grabbed it and hit him. He bent, but I didnt let him down. Only after I kicked my knee into his forearm and there was a loud crunch. He screamed even louder and slid to the ground.

  
Another one cursed and jumped at me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed firmly. He successfully avoided my attempt to kick him from behind, so there was only one option left. I bounced off the ground with the kind of force I had swept away and thundered so that I ended up on his back and his grip raced. Surprisingly, he fell to the ground and I shook his head to the ground to lose consciousness.

  
I quickly stood on my feet and turned to the last one. But he didnt run against me. There was something in his hand that resembled a knife and burned me with a hateful look.

  
,,That girl was just a whore. Unnecessary and dispensable bitch like you. No one will miss you... Not even him ... "

  
I swallowed, but quickly recovered from a deja vu.  
Why they had such a need to keep alerting me. Isnt this world so dramatic?

  
,,Stop talking already and kill me!" I screamed when my tears broke in my eyes I havent known why I was crying again I cried so much when I thought I had used all the tears.  
He chuckled. He attacked from the right. He was very predictable. I easily avoided him, and I was able to restrain him again. He was strong, but the adrenaline in my veins gave me the strenght I needed. I couldnt hold his arm for a long time. He only focused on the knife in his hand and I kicked him in his belly so much he lost his breath. I easily took the knife out of his hand and didnt hesitate for the next step. Before I realized that, the knife was sticking from his neck. His uniform was darker, and his mouth literally vanished from the bloodstream. One step back I watched as he landed.  
The sight of the blood has never made me uncomfortable. Blood is part of us all. It's like fearing yourself. But why does it scare me?  
I hit the bastard on the bridge but didnt kill him. This one didnt survive. The other two will have consequences on the body and maybe on the soul, but they will live.

  
_I'm not afraid of blood. I'm not afraid of anything. Or at least I thought._

  
It's too late now. I've fucked up everything I could. I disappointed him.

  
Unknowingly, I touched the chest where I had new bruises from him, but then I quickly pulled my hand away. And then I hid. Just like a cockroach.  
I opened the shaft and closed it behind me. I cluttered in the middle of the narrow corridor of cables and pipes and curled up into the ball.

  
I listened the sounds that the ship was sending to me. The sounds that were closed here and my last thought were that I was probably a really scared rabbit.

* * *

The ship sang to me and dazed me. When it rained louder, it woked me up, but only for a moment, and then I slept again. I really was sleeping. Except for nights in Hux's bedroom, where sleep was an escape from reality, this was another place where I fell asleep. It was like catching up all those years when I werent sleeping. It seemed like eternity.

  
I didnt feel cold or hot. No hunger or thirst. Just sleep. Again escape. I wondered if I will wake up at all again.

  
Do I want all of this? Do I really want to die like this? Cowardly download and hide from others? Maybe they were right. I'm really a fool.  
And finally I felt it. I felt the darkness gather to me. How did he come for me? The dark shadow found me and hugged me so firmly that I suddenly didnt feel so alone. I suddenly felt another deja vu. It didnt come yet, but I whispered those words anyway.

  
_,,Please help me..."_

  
And the shadow replied, "I'm here ... I can help you only ..."

  
I tried not to cry. My fear found me, but I was glad. After all, what is life without fear? It adds courage to us.

  
"Why did you choose me?" I sobbed, leaving a shadow to lie down and embrace me.

  
"Because you are alone. Your loneliness and difference lures me ... Because like you, I havent fit into the system. Because you remind me of me before I let myself be tamed by this system. Because we both are so similar ... ".

  
That's exactly the sentence of those stupid stories. That's exactly what the dream stories are like, but I'm probably one of those stupid naive girls, or Am I really able hear him shaking and sobbing?

I thought maybe I must be stupid. It's a hallucination just before I´ll die.

  
Generals dont go into the ventilations. Do they?


End file.
